Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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