I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
