Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
