your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
