It's Friday. Sex?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
