dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
