You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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