Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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