I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
