last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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