remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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