Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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