I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
