Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
