Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
