By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
