I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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