guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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