Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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