ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
