I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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