why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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