Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
