just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
