I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
