my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
