I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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