The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
