Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
this beer tastes like vomit already
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
where are you?
Hypothermia
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
