Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
