guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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