R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
