when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
this boner is exhausting
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
