i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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