he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize