His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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