If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
