Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
