I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
