Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize