Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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