I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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