I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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