she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
