this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
