I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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