You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Girls should come with a carfax report
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
