This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
