i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
