I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Let's get the cat blown out
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Ladies don't puke and tell
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
