I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
