I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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