I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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