By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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