you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
