Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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