it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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