he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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